I just sat there. For what seemed like the 100^th time, I was looking at the financials for a bar and restaurant I owned and trying to see if cash flow was positive. I used to joke around with friends and tell them that owning your own business feels like just a way to give your employees, your vendors, and the government all your money. They all get paid first. The cash flow had become negative, and now to a point where some mentioned above were not getting all their money. It is one of those moments where you just want to close your eyes and hope it is all a bad dream. It was not a short term cash flow problem, and was at a critical point. It was 2008 also, and the overall economy was in a tailspin from the great recession.

Times with the 5 year old bar and restaurant operation had its high points with growth and a steady following in the Indianapolis suburb community of 15,000. Among some of the regulars were race car drivers, pro football players, and even local TV celebrities. With its location right in the middle of town it had become part of the local culture. In addition to regulars, it had hosted the night before the NCAA final 4 coaches party, local authors for signing appearances, and featured local bands as entertainment. I felt like a caretaker of something that was more than a business to the community. I was even best man at a wedding where the couple had met there.

This business wasn’t my fulltime job (I had another career) and my hope was that someday it might be my retirement income and passion. In addition to this stress, this same year my marriage of 20+ years had disintegrated and we had separated. Part of the impacts of all of this, is we both gave up our dream home on a golf course. Fortunately everyone had places to live, and I was able to continue to provide for my younger 2 girls that were starting their college years. If things were to fail, I wanted any negative impacts to rest on my shoulders as much as possible. Times were dark for me. These are the moments when you say to yourself “now I see how some people get to a point where they just want to stop living”. My fulltime profession as a project manager taught me to manage my way out of crisis situations. Still I sat there and looked at the problem and there was no easy way out.

I want to take a pause in this narrative to say something important. If you are in what appears to be a hopeless situation and are contemplating taking your life, please take a deep breath. Life is precious and chances are there are others in this world that would give anything to be in your shoes right now, regardless of the situation. Please reach out and connect with someone you can talk to in confidence for help. Ideally some kind of professional counseling, but I realize that is not always convenient in a crisis. Another viable option is to call a church (even if you don’t attend church) to see if you can meet with someone from their counseling center or care ministry. Students at school or on college campuses also usually have local resources to counsel if needed. You can also call crisis hot lines for suicide prevention and they should be able to help. Please take care of yourself first if you are in this situation.

I had always been spiritual. Research even shows that almost everyone believes in a God or a power greater than themselves. This moment with this crisis was a moment of truth. Would I fall apart or would l reach out to that greater power for help? My prayer was simple: “God show me the path to recovery, and I will serve you all the rest of my days”. Many times in life we are given things we literally cannot control or handle on our own. We cannot always control the situation, but we can control how we react to it. Belief in a higher spirit and purpose can keep you calm in a storm, and in this case gave me hope and encouragement.

The answer to this situation was not instant, and the solution not quick or easy. When bad things happen, there are consequences and action you have to take. Faith gave me hope and strength to keep me going through the process that included the sale of that business and financial recovery. For the 6 next years, things went well with my fulltime career in project management, and at the same time I healed with the help of divorce recovery classes and other instruction through the church I attended. At one point I was helping facilitate some of the classes for others. My youngest 2 daughters Cass and Leah finished college, are working jobs, and now have their own places to live. In 2014 at 55 years old, I structured an early retirement strategy where I can still work as needed, but it leaves time for me to pursue my passions to help others and fulfill the promise from that dark day. I started my version of retirement by taking an 11 week course last summer on providing biblical counseling that included auditing 40+ sessions with real people facing challenges. This blog/material is also part of the fulfillment of that promise I made on that fateful day to help others and glorify Him. I will have to admit this blog entry was one where it gave me pause to be this honest about the pain of my past, but I want people to understand my motivation for the next phase of my life’s work.

Being exposed to all this brokenness, and principles I leveraged to heal has given me a unique perspective. My ability to “connect the dots” on vital principles across all the information and training to heal I think I can share in a more concise way to help others. My goal is simple: Reach as many people as possible who are not exposed to these principles, in their language, and in their media (Blog, Book, Speak, YouTube, etc). Yes, this puts me out there for potential judgment by others, but in life you need to be fearless about the things you are passionate about. More to come in this weekly blog, which will feed into a book I am writing.