Alan Freestone. He was my brother and my father’s first born. He had a short life long before I was born, and passed away suddenly of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) at 18 months old. I know the grief from his death, forever changed my father Wesley. Loss like this is difficult to reason with, and I remember having discussions with my father about how he struggled with it. Later I would fully see the impact of an event like that first hand, as I saw my brother Larry and his wife Sharon lose their daughter Christine shortly after her birth. Grief like this is devastating and never really goes away. Later as my parents both passed, I would grieve as we all do with something like that. Whether you have lost a child, parent, unborn child, or even a relationship, grief is related to love. We grieve because we loved so much. This deep love will always cost you grief, but having that love is always worth the price. God does hear you, and touches the depths of your deep grief. The world moves on, but His love moves you. We don’t cry alone. God is not just to believe in, but to be held by in times like this. God is sad when you are sad. Think of it in terms of He did not take them, but welcomed them with open arms in the case of a death.

Grieving is a process that is not about “getting over it”, but is a process to get through the loss. Your grief will teach you new things about life. It makes your understanding or life, and loss, at a deeper very personal level. There is no timetable for grief and it cannot be rushed, and the pain of your loss will always be there in some respect. I saw Pastor Joel Hunter of Northland church, who tragically lost his adult son to suicide, talk about his grief and described it like this: “Your hurt will always be there, but your heart can grow bigger around it.” No one will ever feel your loss as you experience it. As each holiday, birthday, and life event passes, you remember life with your loved one. If you are supporting someone who is going through the process, it is not about fixing them. It is about coming along side of them and being understanding and supportive.

Traditionally some counselors have treated grief like depression, but it is not. Medications or following a course of coaching through the traditional step by step process of anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance may not work. In his article called “Getting Grief Right”, Patrick O’Malley who is an experienced counselor, said after seeing failure in helping people with that step by step process, he realized there needs to be a better way to help people through their grief. He found it much more effective if they shared their story in a very detailed way so they could relive the event and open up about their emotions of loss. He found out people were trying to suppress the events, or act normal, because they thought that is what was expected. He also found that many had the idea they were taking too long to “get over it”, so were not letting the process take the time it needed. People need to share their story and hurt with someone they trust and are safe to share with. It was also very beneficial for them to also join a support group, so they could share and listen to others that also have had similar experiences. I can tell you first hand I have seen with recovery groups how effective this is. There is some kind of magic that happens in group settings that helps with the hurt and the healing. The bottom line is what you are feeling is not wrong, and it is different for each person and situation. You can live with the loss and grow from it.

I want to thank those more experienced than I am, that helped supply input for this blog topic. It includes clergy and those who provided some of the references I used for this. There are people and groups there to help if you need them. We all need that sometimes.