Sex is “sticky”, and I don’t mean in the physical sense. It binds humans together in a level of intimacy, and fundamentally changes how they relate to each other. From a spiritual perspective, God designed sex to be a binding agent that is special and unique. It is part of a “cleaving” process to join people together to make two become one. Scientifically speaking, there is Oxytocin that is released in the brain that make the couple feel bonded after sex. Interesting the effect on women is more profound in making them feel more calm and bonded than it does in men. Because this intimacy is a serious step in bonding together, it should not be taken lightly. Much of modern culture has made sex seem self- serving and recreational. In counselor training, the purpose of sex was discussed in terms that it should be about giving to your partner. However, you should both have equal authority over what you engage in together. With this approach you should be familiar with your partner’s preferences, but these should never be in terms of demands. If each of you have the mindset of giving, versus taking, the bonding in terms of a loving act deepens bonding.

Sex and Dating

In a perfect world, everyone would wait until marriage to have sex. In a hedonistic world, people would have random sex with anyone. Believe it or not, those 2 sentences just described the full spectrum of what you can encounter in the dating world. No wonder finding “the one” is so tricky. If sex is the glue that binds you, then it would seem wise to at least know the person first. There is a book called “Act like a lady, Think like a man” written by Steve Harvey that proposes a strategy that has gotten significant buzz and discussion. He calls it the 90 day rule. I am not saying it is right or wrong, or that 90 days is necessarily the right amount of time, but it does propose getting to know each other before having sexual intimacy (he compares it to a probationary period). If your goal is a longer term relationship, this makes sense. So why wouldn’t people do it? I believe many view dating as a competition to find a mate, and are afraid it will eliminate potential mates. If someone is not willing not get to know you before sex, are they really a potential long term mate anyway? In a way, whether it is a 90 day type rule, or wait until marriage, or whatever your values are, discussing it with them could actually eliminate the ones that are not sincere even quicker (let’s call it a dating efficiency). Maybe discussing on the first date is too quick, but you should discuss your values in regards to sex.

Sex in a committed relationship

So you found “the one” and you achieve your long term, committed relationship. Sexual intimacy that glued you together initially can subside over time and apathy can take over with life’s stresses and demands. It is too easy to get into the “When I” habit with your partner. When I lose weight and feel better about myself, when I feel more rested, when I feel we have fixed problem A, B, or C in our relationship, etc. then we will have sex. I have heard a saying several times, including from a Pastor: “It is easier sometimes to act your way into feeling, than feel your way into acting”. It basically means if you are intimate with your partner, you will rebuild that bond of intimacy with them. There is a strategy with a lot of press called the 30 day sex challenge that leverages the “act your way into feeling” strategy. Obviously both partners need to agree to do this to try to rebuild their intimacy, and 30 days may be too demanding, but the idea is to reconnect. If we can work out daily to rebuild our physical strength, then why would people at least not try something like this to rebuild intimacy? Whether it is a strategy like this, or counseling to heal your relationship, if you don’t do something, the danger is your relationship will crumble or someone else will be able to fill that intimacy void with them.