Are you safe? Not in a physical way, but are you in safe relationships? In your heart you can feel when things are not right, but you can find yourself involved with others that are not healthy for you. Being more aware of traits of safe versus unsafe people not only helps you choose more wisely, but may also make you aware of things you do that make you an unsafe person to others. I openly admit my “people picker” has been broken at times in the past, but knowing what to look for, and why I did it helps give me better perspective. I also admit I have unsafe traits and being more aware of them can lead me to change.

Here is an interesting exercise. Take a piece of paper, and number lines down the side from 1 to 20. Now label some columns across the top. The first column should be labelled “me”, and then across the page put the names of some people in your life that you have significant relationships with. It could be a significant other, family members, boss, co-workers, or friends. For each of the traits below, put in the column “Y” if you/they have that trait. You can be very honest since this is just an exercise just for your eyes. Do you/they :

1. Think you/they have it all together instead of admitting weaknesses?
2. Religious instead of spiritual?
3. Defensive instead of being open to feedback?
4. Self-righteous instead of humble?
5. Only apologize instead of changing behavior?
6. Avoid problems instead of dealing with them?
7. Demand trust instead of earning it?
8. Think they are perfect instead of admitting faults?
9. Blame others instead of taking responsibility?
10. Lie instead of telling the truth?
11. Stagnant instead of growing?
12. Avoid closeness instead of connecting?
13. Only concerned about the “I” instead of “we”?
14. Resist freedom instead of encouraging it?
15. Flatter others instead of confronting them? (yes this can be unsafe)
16. Condemn others instead of forgiving them?
17. Treat others in a parent/child way instead of being equals?
18. Unstable over time instead of being consistent?
19. More of a negative than a positive influence on others?
20. Gossip instead of keeping secrets?

This is a very high level, gut reaction thumbnail snapshot, but you have to admit it made you more aware. I confess in the “me” column I had some “yes” responses (more than I would like). Now you know a little more about traits of “unsafe” people.

So if that is unsafe, what is safe? Part of the answer is the opposite of the traits you see above of unsafe people. But beyond that, here are some additional “safe” traits. You/they:

1. Draw people closer to God
2. Draw people closer to other people
3. Help others become the real person God created us to be

Now what? Why did I pick unsafe people and how do I change that? Why do I have unsafe habits? What if I still have to live with unsafe relationships (spouse/boss/family)? All great questions, and there are answers. Some will depend on your personal background and situation and others are more general. Unfortunately this is more detail than can be passed along in a blog, but there is a place to get the information. This material is just part of information from a book called “Safe People” from Henry Cloud/John Townsend. There are also some places that offer a class with a curriculum around the book and solutions. I encourage people to read the book (fairly short and straight forward) or attend a class. It is also encouraged that you learn from their other book/program called “boundaries” prior to digging into safe people, because without healthy boundaries your relationships with both safe and un-safe people will not be managed very well. Beyond raising awareness, I hope this blog made you curious to find out more.