I am not the best communicator. I can be better. We all can. Communications is the key to our lives in every aspect: Work, family, friends, and relationships. Below are 4 keys to communications they highlight during counseling to solve problems that are simple, but effective. Hold me accountable, please. Read this and share it with others if you are ready. It will help you, and may help others.

• Be Honest : Discuss the problem openly and honestly. Even if only one of you thinks there is a problem, that makes it worthy to discuss. Avoid exaggeration, including the use of the terms “always” and “never”. Remember you are working together on it. Speak the truth, but do so in a loving and caring way. Do not keep secrets about how you feel. Opening your heart is a risk worth taking. Often in counseling we hear “I did not know you felt that way”. Don’t dismiss how they feel. It is very real to them, and you need to understand it.
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• Keep Current : They old saying “Don’t let the sun go down on a problem” are wise words. If you let a problem fester, it will only get worse with time. Be aware of attempted communications cutoffs and work together to get through them. Those may include crying, threatening an explosion, and using statements like “All I have to say is …..”. Make sure to stick to the facts, and be aware of the timing of the discussion so as to not have it at an inappropriate time. Make sure the understanding, or resolution is clear to both of you.
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• Attack the Problem, not the Person : The problem belongs to both of you. You must work together to resolve it, not attack the person or attempt to place blame. Do not attack a person’s character. Be aware your words can tear a person down, and can hinder growing together to solve it. Good relationships are built in the tough times, as you work though things together. Working through things together builds bonds that will actually make it easier to attack future problems together.
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• Act, Don’t React : This is easier said than done, but thinking about it up front will help you use the right behavior to get the problem solved. Behaviors that are to be avoided are bitterness, becoming angry, loud screaming, profanity, or malice to want to hurt the other person during the discussion. Try to not be defensive. Try to conduct yourself in a manner that your parents would be proud of and this will also show you are sincere. Once you have the resolution agreed upon, act to make it happen and keep communicating on how it is working.
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It is a good idea to review these 4 key principles of good communications before you start the discussion so both of you have the right approach to solving the problem. None of this can hurt and may become a positive habit. You don’t have to read them formally, but at the top of your discussion it is worthy to highlight these good ground rules.

A man marries a beautiful woman. Employees obey their boss’s instructions. A money manager successfully grows wealth for himself and his clients. All is well in the world, right? Life is good.

Over time, the husband and wife age, and physical beauty fades. The boss loses his position and is demoted. The money manager hits a rough spot in the economy and losses money. Now is when you discover the true motivations behind what they had. Were they motivated by pride to have the most beautiful spouse, have the respected company title, or gain the most wealth? Or were they driven by love, leadership, and helping others manage their money. They all now are at a moment of truth when we find out.

When you are driven by pride, and the things you were prideful about start to slip away, your behavior will reveal your true character. For the husband and wife, will he continue to love her as they age, or leave her to once again chase beauty? For the boss that lost his position, will workers continue to respect who he is regardless of his position, or was his respect only driven by his title and power over them? Will the wealth manager deal with the losses with honesty and integrity with himself and his clients, or will he try to cover up the losses for the prideful behavior of looking wealthy and successful (maybe why Ponzi schemes have emerged in recent years).

So where is that line between working hard for what you have, and being motivated by pride? I believe it is reflected in your character. Are you thankful for what you have, or do you think you are the only reason it happened? Are you boastful about what you have, and think it reflects how people should think about you as a person? Do you lead with humility and confidence, or do you lead with arrogance and self-righteousness? So it is your character and motivation that makes the difference. You can see where I am going with this.

Name the 7 deadly sins. This are behaviors where humans can fall short of behavior that glorifies God. Here they are: wrath, greed, sloth, lust, envy, gluttony, and pride. So what is pride on the list? Sinful pride is refusing to recognize God’s sovereign role in everything. “Good pride” is recognizing that apart from God, you can do nothing (John 15:5), and, therefore, giving God the glory for the things that you accomplish.

Is being humble and having humility mean you are weak? Having humility is actually the key toward empathy toward others and being able to understand where they are. Maybe they are not beautiful, or wealthy, or have that high paying job for instance. If you understand them, you will always be thankful to something greater than yourself for whatever you have. In addition to that, being humble will give you respect and special power when working with others that pride will never get you. For example, I used to help manage a McDonalds restaurant when I was younger, and I was a “roll up your sleeves and pitch in with everyone when in a crisis” manager. Other managers just commanded others. I noticed that people would work twice as hard for me as when they worked for them. They knew I understood how hard the work was, and I was there for them. A very good lesson for me early in my life. Having humility does not mean you are weak or lack confidence in what you do. It does mean you are thankful for what you have, and others will respect you for how you treat them, regardless of their beauty, job, wealth, etc. Pop culture may not tell you, but leading with humility is attractive to people.

Name the 3 best days in your life. I call these a “take a picture” moments in your life. You know it is special and you want to remember every detail of how it felt, where you were, and who you were with when it happened. Maybe it included the birth of a child, falling in love, a spiritual awakening, or maybe the day you beat Cancer? Experiences are what we value most. Your list likely does not include a best day because you bought something, unless maybe it was something like your first home or car.

Name the 3 people you admire the most. These are people that are your role models. Maybe it includes your parents, a U.S. President, Mother Teresa, or someone who gave selflessly. For example, my favorite president was Abraham Lincoln, who was among the presidents with the least amount of personal wealth. If a wealthy person did make the list, it is likely because they were self-made, overcame some adversity, or had some charitable work or idea that created real changes in the world.

We all want to provide for ourselves and our families. Money is an essential resource to survival in our lives. I know I feel very blessed I have been able to do this for my family. There are 3 key money strategies that can change your life.

Live within your means: I admit coming from the “have it now” generation that had easy credit, and instant material satisfaction. The problem is it creates a much greater financial burden for a longer amount of time. The weight of this debt can far outweigh any happiness benefit you thought you were going to have with the nicer car, the bigger house, or leveraging credit cards for nicer things. It can create a downward spiral of interest compiling the debt, or strapped cash flow that makes you feel like you are in some kind of financial slavery. Money is also a key stressor in relationships that I have seen during counseling of couples. The key is not getting into deep debt to start with, but even if you are, there is still hope. I have seen many benefit from Dave Ramsey’s financial recovery classes. Google for them and your local city and chances are they are offered near you or online. Class fees are very modest, and if offered through a church they may even have a way to cover fees if you cannot afford it. An important element of financial health is also a “rainy day” fund in case of emergencies.

Experiences not things: If you do have money within your budget, what should you use it for? Research has shown spending money for experiences adds much more to our happiness than more things. For example, one of the things I really enjoyed and was life/perception changing was my 10 day visit to Europe two years ago. It can be something large like this, or as simple as tickets to a concert, a night out with friends, or buying a book you wanted to read. Life is about living and not objects. One of my recent most enjoyable experiences was a very modest spending day at a local museum of art, followed by a movie and dinner. Your family and friends will also enjoy your “experiences not things” approach as it usually is about sharing those experiences with others.

Giving instead of buying more: There was an interesting article in Psychology Magazine that noted research that shows there is no relationship between wealth and well-being. We all know you need a certain amount of money for meeting life’s basic needs, but this is talking about wealth above that. It also uses as one example that lottery winners were not likely happier than others. Here is the other shocking finding from the study: Not only does additional wealth not likely add to happiness, but giving it away does significantly add to well-being. There are many examples where wealthy people are using their excess wealth to help others. But giving does not have to be on that large scale to help others and give you joy. A larger tip to a waitress you know is a working single mom, sponsor a child in need in another country, volunteer or give to organizations like Habitat for Humanity, or give to a local church or charity. Giving changes how you think about money and changes you. Giving makes you wealthy. Think about it.

Sex is “sticky”, and I don’t mean in the physical sense. It binds humans together in a level of intimacy, and fundamentally changes how they relate to each other. From a spiritual perspective, God designed sex to be a binding agent that is special and unique. It is part of a “cleaving” process to join people together to make two become one. Scientifically speaking, there is Oxytocin that is released in the brain that make the couple feel bonded after sex. Interesting the effect on women is more profound in making them feel more calm and bonded than it does in men. Because this intimacy is a serious step in bonding together, it should not be taken lightly. Much of modern culture has made sex seem self- serving and recreational. In counselor training, the purpose of sex was discussed in terms that it should be about giving to your partner. However, you should both have equal authority over what you engage in together. With this approach you should be familiar with your partner’s preferences, but these should never be in terms of demands. If each of you have the mindset of giving, versus taking, the bonding in terms of a loving act deepens bonding.

Sex and Dating

In a perfect world, everyone would wait until marriage to have sex. In a hedonistic world, people would have random sex with anyone. Believe it or not, those 2 sentences just described the full spectrum of what you can encounter in the dating world. No wonder finding “the one” is so tricky. If sex is the glue that binds you, then it would seem wise to at least know the person first. There is a book called “Act like a lady, Think like a man” written by Steve Harvey that proposes a strategy that has gotten significant buzz and discussion. He calls it the 90 day rule. I am not saying it is right or wrong, or that 90 days is necessarily the right amount of time, but it does propose getting to know each other before having sexual intimacy (he compares it to a probationary period). If your goal is a longer term relationship, this makes sense. So why wouldn’t people do it? I believe many view dating as a competition to find a mate, and are afraid it will eliminate potential mates. If someone is not willing not get to know you before sex, are they really a potential long term mate anyway? In a way, whether it is a 90 day type rule, or wait until marriage, or whatever your values are, discussing it with them could actually eliminate the ones that are not sincere even quicker (let’s call it a dating efficiency). Maybe discussing on the first date is too quick, but you should discuss your values in regards to sex.

Sex in a committed relationship

So you found “the one” and you achieve your long term, committed relationship. Sexual intimacy that glued you together initially can subside over time and apathy can take over with life’s stresses and demands. It is too easy to get into the “When I” habit with your partner. When I lose weight and feel better about myself, when I feel more rested, when I feel we have fixed problem A, B, or C in our relationship, etc. then we will have sex. I have heard a saying several times, including from a Pastor: “It is easier sometimes to act your way into feeling, than feel your way into acting”. It basically means if you are intimate with your partner, you will rebuild that bond of intimacy with them. There is a strategy with a lot of press called the 30 day sex challenge that leverages the “act your way into feeling” strategy. Obviously both partners need to agree to do this to try to rebuild their intimacy, and 30 days may be too demanding, but the idea is to reconnect. If we can work out daily to rebuild our physical strength, then why would people at least not try something like this to rebuild intimacy? Whether it is a strategy like this, or counseling to heal your relationship, if you don’t do something, the danger is your relationship will crumble or someone else will be able to fill that intimacy void with them.

It has been said that loving someone means you would be willing to die for them. We have all probably had close family members where we be willing to do this, especially if you have children. This ultimate selfless act of love would show how much they mean to you. In marriage, vows are exchanged “until death do us part” showing the commitment of love over a lifetime, as we age together until we pass. Each of us wants to pass from this world, in the company of someone who has a deep love for us. Another unique characteristic of true love is you will love that person, no matter what. This kind of love is able to separate the person from their actions or situations, so that you can come alongside them to help. You may hate what they did, or their situation, but you will still be there in love. This does not mean there won’t be consequences, but does mean you will be there and will be honest with them telling them the truth in love and guiding them back to a better place.

Somewhere between being willing to die for someone, and our normal day to day living, too many times we lose focus and don’t do what is best for our loved one. This can leave us and our loved ones scarred. If we love them, and would die for them, then surely we would try to repair the damage, and even better treat them with love and respect going forward. Think about this the next time you argue with your parents, or are angry with your significant other. If you model bad behavior in front of your children, remember they will likely become that kind of parent. Even if you and your children’s other parent are no longer together, you need to swallow your pride and find a common ground for co-parenting. In all these cases, you can’t start over and have a new beginning, but you can start now and create a new ending.

God made each of us how we are. He doesn’t make junk. In today’s world, you see people trying to put boundaries around love: Age differences, sexual orientation, fat vs. thin, beauty vs. plain, money vs. none, race differences, etc. If we are to love everyone: our neighbors, even our enemies, then we need to respect how other people love one another. I will always love and respect people, regardless of who they love. All of us deserve loving support from each other.

Regardless of your situation, you are loved and never alone. Remember love is being willing to die for someone. Love is separating loving the person no matter what, from their actions or situation. Love is coming alongside them to help them, but to also speak the truth in love. We all do have a Father in heaven that truly loves us and does all of those things, so much so that His son died for us so we can be forgiven. Now that is true love, and we can all strive to be like that to our loved ones, and glorify Him.

Easter is almost here. It represents a time of transformation and renewal. Spring is in the air, family and friends gather, and mother nature is starting her cycle to come back into full bloom. Christians celebrate their holy event, as they gather to worship at church. All of these things make us feel good at the heart level: Faith, family, and friends. Wouldn’t it be nice to find a way to have that sustained joy every day? Why not make some Easter resolutions for change that can affect your core, at the heart level? You might be surprised how doing some simple things can affect your life situations and outlook.

Have you ever known those people that always seem to have a smile, a positive attitude, and are joyous? Research has shown you cannot have joy without gratitude. If you appreciate things, it is your pathway to joy. One of my favorite sayings is “if you don’t appreciate things, God will keep taking them away until you do”. From the opposite perspective, when you are thankful and joyous, you attract good things and positive relationships. When you live your life not taking things for granted, every day feels like a holiday. Here are some simple things you can do to raise your awareness of things to be thankful for.

Sit down and make a list of the good things in your life? Good health, a home, a car, a job to provide, great kids, fun hobbies, travel, faith and fellowship, friends are all on my list. You can even get specific with good things that have happened to you recently. When I look at my list, it gives me perspective and I feel very blessed.

I know some families at dinner time like to go around the table and do the “Highs/Lows” so each person can talk about what they are thankful for, and also their low points. The lows create an opportunity for awareness and to have discussions among family on challenges at the same time.

Some people have a set time in their day for reflection and to be thankful for things. Others do it as part of their worship activities. Joy is something you can nurture not only for you, but those around you.

Another area that contributes to overall happiness is the joy associated with helping others. It is not a prideful joy of others seeing what a good person you are, but a joy in your heart that you know you made a difference. Studies also have shown that helping others actually triggers an area in the brain that release feel-good chemicals, which psychologists call a “helper’s high”. Helping others also helps boost your confidence and self-esteem. Stronger friendships, a better sense of community, and inner peace can all be other positives. Helping others does not have to be a large “save the world” project. It can be saying thank you, I love you to loved ones, just listening when someone needs someone to do that, or even asking someone if you can pray for them when they need it. It can be volunteer work if you want to do that. Helping others should become just part of who you are, and how you treat others with compassion. Helping others helps us all connect.

So let this Easter season be a time of renewal and transformation for you. I bet you cannot predict the good things that will happen with a few changes that will both make you happier, but also impact others.

Alan Freestone. He was my brother and my father’s first born. He had a short life long before I was born, and passed away suddenly of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) at 18 months old. I know the grief from his death, forever changed my father Wesley. Loss like this is difficult to reason with, and I remember having discussions with my father about how he struggled with it. Later I would fully see the impact of an event like that first hand, as I saw my brother Larry and his wife Sharon lose their daughter Christine shortly after her birth. Grief like this is devastating and never really goes away. Later as my parents both passed, I would grieve as we all do with something like that. Whether you have lost a child, parent, unborn child, or even a relationship, grief is related to love. We grieve because we loved so much. This deep love will always cost you grief, but having that love is always worth the price. God does hear you, and touches the depths of your deep grief. The world moves on, but His love moves you. We don’t cry alone. God is not just to believe in, but to be held by in times like this. God is sad when you are sad. Think of it in terms of He did not take them, but welcomed them with open arms in the case of a death.

Grieving is a process that is not about “getting over it”, but is a process to get through the loss. Your grief will teach you new things about life. It makes your understanding or life, and loss, at a deeper very personal level. There is no timetable for grief and it cannot be rushed, and the pain of your loss will always be there in some respect. I saw Pastor Joel Hunter of Northland church, who tragically lost his adult son to suicide, talk about his grief and described it like this: “Your hurt will always be there, but your heart can grow bigger around it.” No one will ever feel your loss as you experience it. As each holiday, birthday, and life event passes, you remember life with your loved one. If you are supporting someone who is going through the process, it is not about fixing them. It is about coming along side of them and being understanding and supportive.

Traditionally some counselors have treated grief like depression, but it is not. Medications or following a course of coaching through the traditional step by step process of anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance may not work. In his article called “Getting Grief Right”, Patrick O’Malley who is an experienced counselor, said after seeing failure in helping people with that step by step process, he realized there needs to be a better way to help people through their grief. He found it much more effective if they shared their story in a very detailed way so they could relive the event and open up about their emotions of loss. He found out people were trying to suppress the events, or act normal, because they thought that is what was expected. He also found that many had the idea they were taking too long to “get over it”, so were not letting the process take the time it needed. People need to share their story and hurt with someone they trust and are safe to share with. It was also very beneficial for them to also join a support group, so they could share and listen to others that also have had similar experiences. I can tell you first hand I have seen with recovery groups how effective this is. There is some kind of magic that happens in group settings that helps with the hurt and the healing. The bottom line is what you are feeling is not wrong, and it is different for each person and situation. You can live with the loss and grow from it.

I want to thank those more experienced than I am, that helped supply input for this blog topic. It includes clergy and those who provided some of the references I used for this. There are people and groups there to help if you need them. We all need that sometimes.

Every day you live with it. No one else may even know it is always in the back of your mind, taking up part of your life. You hold it inside, day after day. It is a life emotional scar that never healed the right way, and it always bothers you. You were deeply hurt, or maybe it bothers you that you hurt someone else. Anger, Guilt, or Sadness can slowly consume you one life event at a time. It is a result of the memory of what happened and how you feed the emotional beast every day inside you. If you could only lose that memory and hurt……

The good news is you can take control of it. You can give yourself the best gift ever: emotional healing.

Someone has hurt you

You want to be their judge, jury, and executioner. You want them to apologize and change. Whatever your heart wishes would happen may never take place, so you have left yourself in an emotional no man’s land. Is there a way out? How can you have peace? What if you released their judgment and getting even to someone else, and freed yourself from that? Think of it as if there were some emotional police that would take your case, make the arrest, and prosecute them. Then you could be free of that burden. You would not even have to confront the offending party about it, because in your mind you know it is being taken care of. There is only one that truly judges, and He can take this burden from you. Let Him. Let God. I have avoided the term forgiveness up to this point, because some people interpret it as a “free pass” for the offending party. Forgiveness is not a process for them. It is for you, so you can move past the pain and release the control that this event has on your life.

Forgiveness is not forgetting. We need to learn from our life experiences. We grow from painful experiences and they can make us stronger afterwards. Forgiveness is not freeing them from the consequence of their actions, or you being a doormat. There may be very real impacts and effort that may have to expended to make things right again. In some cases it makes sense to tell them you forgive them, and other times not. The important thing is that this is a process for you to do. At a minimum, do it inside you, where the hurt is, so you can release the pain. For me, I forgive them and release the judgment to God. I pray for the strength to move past it, and I tell God it is in his hands now. I also pray that the offending party will be touched by His grace to be forgiven and truly change. We would want the same if we were in their shoes. You get grace, when you give grace.

You have hurt someone else

We can carry emotional scars from hurting someone else also. They usually come in the form of guilt and can degrade self-esteem because it may convince you that you are a bad person. To fully heal, there is a process to follow. In some cases it makes sense to do these steps with the person you hurt, and other times you may not be able to. In either case, you still need to follow the steps to heal.

Confess: You cannot fix what you cannot acknowledge. Our human nature enables us to do bad things. None of us is without something we regret. The truly strong step up and own it, so they can grow past it.

Ask for Forgiveness: For this to be most effective, it needs to be both vertical and horizontal in nature. Vertical is to ask God. Horizontal is to ask the offended party. This cannot be a “I am sorry I got caught” or “I am sorry you feel that way about what I did” apology. It has to be you being specific in how you hurt them and made them feel, so they know you understand the hurt. If you are asking them for forgiveness, they may not agree. You still need to be comforted to move on based on, your outreach to God and willingness to make things right. For Christians, the belief that Christ died for your sins should also give you comfort that you can be forgiven.

You must prove it: Forgiveness itself is not enough, if you don’t truly change the hurtful behavior. It is also not enough if you don’t own the consequences of your actions. I have seen cases where in counseling people have said “you said I was forgiven, so why are you still hurt or bringing it up?” Working through that hurt is part of the consequences of your actions that you must own. You also must prove you have changed and now bear good fruit in your actions, before the grace related to forgiveness is complete.

The good news is it is never too late. We are all both givers and receivers of painful events in life. It is not what happens, but how we grow from it that can make us whole again. Forgiveness is a tool essential to making it through life. Knowing we give pain to others, should enable us to be more forgiving to those who have hurt us. You might be surprised how much forgiveness can change your life, and those around you. You can start healing right now.

Sometimes the most basic of human needs are the hardest to understand. Hope is essential to happiness and a full life. Without it, we are in despair. Hope drives us forward and fills us with a positive vision of what is to come. The actual definition of hope is “a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen”. Our sense of overall hope is actually our perception of a culmination of a group of hopes we have, and the level of certainty of that each one will come to fruition. Hope is easiest at the beginning when expectation is defined or at the end when it is achieved. The struggle is in the middle to achieve it, or at the end if it is abandoned. Hope itself is not enough. You must take action to move toward what you hope to achieve. With each successive failure on the path to hope, hope erodes. The key is to fail until you succeed, or if needed adjust your hopes to be more realistic. There is a tenuous balance of patience (to not compromise), and persistence to fulfill your hopes. Let’s look at some common examples:

“I hope to find the love of my life.” This is definitely one of those hopes that is a balance of patience and persistence. The good news is this is a hope where you can fail many times, but you only have to succeed once. No one wants the pain of any failures, but knowing you can try again if it was not meant to be, is some comfort. It is also one of those hopes that moves from one hope phase to another. You find your love, then you hope to marry them, hope to have children, etc. This is also one of those hopes that you need your life happiness to not depend upon. Self-imposed pressure like that can prevent you from living a full life as a single person or rush to be with the wrong person.

“I hope to get a good paying job or business.” We all want to live comfortably. This is one of those hopes where your actions to help make it happen, is usually one of the longer paths in life. It takes time to gain education, and experience to develop into a good paying profession. Yes there are those more rare examples of wealth through a sudden successful venture, but hoping for those could be disappointing unless you keep it in perspective. The good news here is you can also fail (or change professions) multiple times until you find what you want. Work is one of those life paths that can change along the way and you must look for the markers for when to change.

“I want to look better and be as healthy as I can be”. Since this is the #1 News Year’s resolution, so it obviously has a place among the most common hopes. It has a lot of facets to it. Our weight, overall health, our eating habits, how we dress, etc. This is one of those life hopes you can never achieve and check it off your list. It is a lifestyle change. You may not ever fully achieve your hopes, but the fact that you have it and you act on it, will leave you healthier.

Biblical Hope: I would be remiss if I did not mention some of the spiritual aspects of hope. These are Christianity specific, but there may be similar beliefs in other religions. Biblical hope for believers is knowing there is a certainty both during and after physical life. During life it is knowing that despite any mistakes or brokenness you experience, you can always start over with the salvation of Christ, who has your burdens covered with his death. You just have to believe in him. Hope for us after this physical life has ended, is knowing that we transform to another dimension for eternity. One without pain and suffering and where we join the greater community of man with our spirits intertwined with God’s. I know this is very brief on Biblical hope, but there is a lot of other material available if you want to know more, or you may want to meet with someone from a church to discuss in more depth.

Here is an exercise I find useful. Take a blank piece of paper and just list out your hopes. You will be surprised that seeing them on the page will make you more aware of what hopes are helping determine your overall outlook on life. I had 9 of them, and noticed some were very task specific and short term, and others were longer outcomes I wanted from my life. It does make you evaluate what action or momentum you have on each one, along with more awareness of your current state of mind that you will achieve it. The key is never lose hope overall. I believe we are all put here for a purpose. Fulfill yours.

I just sat there. For what seemed like the 100^th time, I was looking at the financials for a bar and restaurant I owned and trying to see if cash flow was positive. I used to joke around with friends and tell them that owning your own business feels like just a way to give your employees, your vendors, and the government all your money. They all get paid first. The cash flow had become negative, and now to a point where some mentioned above were not getting all their money. It is one of those moments where you just want to close your eyes and hope it is all a bad dream. It was not a short term cash flow problem, and was at a critical point. It was 2008 also, and the overall economy was in a tailspin from the great recession.

Times with the 5 year old bar and restaurant operation had its high points with growth and a steady following in the Indianapolis suburb community of 15,000. Among some of the regulars were race car drivers, pro football players, and even local TV celebrities. With its location right in the middle of town it had become part of the local culture. In addition to regulars, it had hosted the night before the NCAA final 4 coaches party, local authors for signing appearances, and featured local bands as entertainment. I felt like a caretaker of something that was more than a business to the community. I was even best man at a wedding where the couple had met there.

This business wasn’t my fulltime job (I had another career) and my hope was that someday it might be my retirement income and passion. In addition to this stress, this same year my marriage of 20+ years had disintegrated and we had separated. Part of the impacts of all of this, is we both gave up our dream home on a golf course. Fortunately everyone had places to live, and I was able to continue to provide for my younger 2 girls that were starting their college years. If things were to fail, I wanted any negative impacts to rest on my shoulders as much as possible. Times were dark for me. These are the moments when you say to yourself “now I see how some people get to a point where they just want to stop living”. My fulltime profession as a project manager taught me to manage my way out of crisis situations. Still I sat there and looked at the problem and there was no easy way out.

I want to take a pause in this narrative to say something important. If you are in what appears to be a hopeless situation and are contemplating taking your life, please take a deep breath. Life is precious and chances are there are others in this world that would give anything to be in your shoes right now, regardless of the situation. Please reach out and connect with someone you can talk to in confidence for help. Ideally some kind of professional counseling, but I realize that is not always convenient in a crisis. Another viable option is to call a church (even if you don’t attend church) to see if you can meet with someone from their counseling center or care ministry. Students at school or on college campuses also usually have local resources to counsel if needed. You can also call crisis hot lines for suicide prevention and they should be able to help. Please take care of yourself first if you are in this situation.

I had always been spiritual. Research even shows that almost everyone believes in a God or a power greater than themselves. This moment with this crisis was a moment of truth. Would I fall apart or would l reach out to that greater power for help? My prayer was simple: “God show me the path to recovery, and I will serve you all the rest of my days”. Many times in life we are given things we literally cannot control or handle on our own. We cannot always control the situation, but we can control how we react to it. Belief in a higher spirit and purpose can keep you calm in a storm, and in this case gave me hope and encouragement.

The answer to this situation was not instant, and the solution not quick or easy. When bad things happen, there are consequences and action you have to take. Faith gave me hope and strength to keep me going through the process that included the sale of that business and financial recovery. For the 6 next years, things went well with my fulltime career in project management, and at the same time I healed with the help of divorce recovery classes and other instruction through the church I attended. At one point I was helping facilitate some of the classes for others. My youngest 2 daughters Cass and Leah finished college, are working jobs, and now have their own places to live. In 2014 at 55 years old, I structured an early retirement strategy where I can still work as needed, but it leaves time for me to pursue my passions to help others and fulfill the promise from that dark day. I started my version of retirement by taking an 11 week course last summer on providing biblical counseling that included auditing 40+ sessions with real people facing challenges. This blog/material is also part of the fulfillment of that promise I made on that fateful day to help others and glorify Him. I will have to admit this blog entry was one where it gave me pause to be this honest about the pain of my past, but I want people to understand my motivation for the next phase of my life’s work.

Being exposed to all this brokenness, and principles I leveraged to heal has given me a unique perspective. My ability to “connect the dots” on vital principles across all the information and training to heal I think I can share in a more concise way to help others. My goal is simple: Reach as many people as possible who are not exposed to these principles, in their language, and in their media (Blog, Book, Speak, YouTube, etc). Yes, this puts me out there for potential judgment by others, but in life you need to be fearless about the things you are passionate about. More to come in this weekly blog, which will feed into a book I am writing.