Sometimes even though you have knowledge to do the right things, you still have to fight your nature to do those things. Healthy boundaries is one of those areas for me. Something in me wants me to be a people pleaser with others and not set my boundaries clearly, which just causes stress and problems later. At the same time I have not always chosen wisely when respecting others boundaries, which I am not proud of. And yes I have attended an 8 week course on healthy boundaries, and later I even helped facilitate that same class for others. Using healthy boundaries is a transition I started in my own life and continue to work on. It is a process and not just a quick fix, but it is worth the journey.

We all need healthy boundaries, both to set them clearly with others, and also to respect others boundaries they set for us. Having the awareness and knowledge of how to do it is just the first step. The hard part is using them, which in many cases is different than the behaviors you have had in place for years. This blog is not to replace an 8 week course based on Cloud and Townsend’s best-selling book, but just to raise awareness with others, so they (like me) can continue to take the right steps forward. I do encourage others to take the course or read some of their books.

What is a boundary? Some think it is just saying “no” to certain things. It is much more than that. Let’s look at some examples where a lack of boundaries causes problems: A family member is always late for every holiday, so everyone waits on them. Your boss at work assigns you more work than you can possibly get done, so you work lots of overtime to attempt it. Your children keep getting in trouble at school, without any real consequences for them. Your spouse keeps cheating on you, and you keep taking them back. Are you starting to get what lack of boundaries are and how they can put your life in turmoil? Lack of or improper boundaries can cause physical and emotional distress for you. Less stress would be to set and enforce those boundaries with consistent consequences for them, not you to bear. But boundaries are not just about keeping the bad things out, they should be “breathable” so that good things are also allowed in. It is a balancing act to say the least, and it takes practice and adjustment along the way to find the right balance. Starting fresh with good boundaries is one thing, but establishing boundaries with existing unhealthy ones in place is a tricky transition.

We are all personally responsible for our own actions and consequences. If you do not hold someone accountable for their actions, you keep them in an immature state because they do not grow. We cannot always change them, but we can create an opportunity for our own freedom by setting proper boundaries. At the same time, we must also respect other’s healthy boundaries. You will very likely get resistance from others when setting boundaries, but you need to understand the difference between hurt and harm. They may be hurt initially, but that is an emotional reaction to change in what they have known. A healthy boundary will not harm them, and it may actually unlock the door on you being able to more freely and genuinely enjoy one another (without the inner turmoil and resentment).

Making changes to healthier boundaries will be a challenge, but a very rewarding one. There may be some resentment. Work through it. You actually will be joining a group of healthier people, and you may even notice that healthier people are more attracted to you. You will likely have to take some “baby steps” to overcome pre-existing boundaries already in place with others, and also so you can adapt to this new strategy for taking control of your life. Yes you may have to fight some guilt, but be aware that is a sign you are making a healthy change and growing. You will notice as you mature in boundaries there will be less and less, or even no guilt as you establish them. And never ever forget to respect other’s boundaries. You get grace when you give grace. As you do this, you should gain a better sense of self and may even notice people coming to you for advice on using boundaries.

Boundary tip of the day: If you said yes, when they could have done it themselves, you should have said no. This is a form of using boundaries in your daily life to avoid taking on too much and being overwhelmed.