It hurts. Anger, loneliness, depression, and there may even be financial distress involved. Breakup of a marriage or serious long term relationship disrupts almost every aspect of your life. You just want that hurt to go away, as quickly as possible. I have been there. When my marriage of 20+ years came crashing down, it affected everything. It was very tempting to find another person right away to fill that gaping hole in my life, but 2 reasons drove me to wait. I was not ready emotionally, and I have children so I wanted to be absolutely sure before involving another person (which becomes one more roadblock to if there would be a change of heart to try to save my marriage).

So as much as I wanted the hurt to go away, I was patient and stayed separated for an extended period of time. I had heard about a Divorce recovery class at a local church for those going through breakups. I am normally a very strong person, but knew to deal with this I needed help. The hardest thing to do is admit you need help, followed by the harder task of going to a group like this for the first time. This class was a 13 week commitment one evening a week, with a structured agenda and have discussions with others going through the same thing. Yes it made me cringe in 2 ways. 13 weeks (ugh), and having discussions with others about what everyone was going through. Would they judge me? As it turns out, everyone is sworn that what is said in the room, stays in the room. And as far as judgement, it was facilitated by people who had went through it themselves who truly understood. And if you were wondering, no it was not an opportunity to date. In fact, talking with opposite sex people outside the class, from the class, was forbidden as it could sidetrack the healing process.

So why do this at all? Because to be healthy again as part of a relationship again, you first need to be healthy yourself. Becoming whole and healthy as a person first, actually enables you to make clearer decisions later. In fact being a healthy whole person will even attract healthier people to you, which is always a plus. So week by week I went. As they worked through each topic like anger, loneliness, depression, financial stress, etc. I saw people in this group go from being completely broken on the first night to being literally different people, with a different outlook by the end. The material was good, but there was a power in connecting with others during recovery that cannot be described. Other than the class, how long will it take to heal and be whole again? That depends on the person and the situation some, but studies have found that then length of time you were in the serious relationship does affect how long it takes to recover from it. So are you ready to really cringe? For each 4 years you were in the relationship, they say it may take up to a year of healing. I rolled my eyes, and there were even sighs in the room when this was discussed. The reality of a quick fix, or even a 13 week class fix was dashed. The class and group discussions just helped give you the understanding and framework of a process to get you healthy again.

Going through this process changed my life. I will confess I did not wait 5 years to date again (20 years/4 years recovery for each 5 years), but I did wait 3 years and it was the right thing to do. That 3 years enabled me to work through my healing and confess 5 years would have been even better. It has been 7 years now since my separation, and 5 years since my legal divorce. Several from that class eventually married, and some are still single. As tragic as a break up is, it is an opportunity to pause, and take the time to change you for the better before diving into another relationship right away.